A long pull for all who made it into 2020. It is thirsty business indeed to wrap up one year and start a new one. What will all the effort to stay up until midnight.
That is why so many people feel obliged to drink themselves senseless.
Thus almost all the usual haunts were overwhelmingly full with poor regulars confounded by the writhing masses of humanity that seemed to have erupted from the numerous potholes pockmarking most of the country’s roads.
But now our favourite places for imbibing are once more blessedly peaceful. For the time has come to separate adults from the kids. Only the adults will be drinking as usual this month.
Yes, the kids came out to play. Obnoxious, loud and irritating, acting like they owned everything in sight and were the only ones with an opinion that is legal and socially acceptable.
Now January disease has taken them away. We know they will only crawl back sometime towards the end of the month or even later. Good riddance.
Prophecy unphoto shopped
You screamed loudest at the stroke of midnight as you shouted the new year in. Not to rain on your parade, but what exactly is it that you were shouting so loudly for?
Today Bra Gee is here to give you what 2020 has in store each of you. But unlike those other places where you pay dearly for a feel good prophecy, Bra Gee charges no fealty and gives you your prophecy as it comes with no photo shopping to mislead you.
A big gulp before we start. Please note that your financial outlook for the year is embedded here, so read carefully.
You over there! Yes, you sir over there. I foresee another tough year for you. In fact, things will be worse for you in 2020 than in 2019. Until December 2020 you will be lamenting. You will shout out profanities against those you deem responsible for your sorry life.
You will be a pest in the bar wanting other people to provide your drink. You will expect other men and other women to look after you and your offspring. You will whine about how no one is willing to make sure that you live the life that you believe you are entitled to.
Your mobile phone will turn into a monster that constantly threatens to devour you as creditors bay for their dues. Your children will suffer the humiliation of always being the ones whose fees are not paid. But somehow you will always have enough data to receive and forward social media rants and jokes.
Yes, that is what happens when you set out with some high and rather vague expectations of a better year. Yet you have no plan for extra income. And no plan for downsizing your present lifestyle.
Little girl, come here child. Yes, you are a child even if you fancy yourself all grown up and wise to the ways of the world. There is no happiness for you in sight. The spirit thinks you are already well on your way to motherhood. After you turned to the oldest profession to pay for empty festive season cheer in the form of a new hairstyle, clothes accessories and refreshments.
Your blesser is not going to leave that boring gulez of his. In fact, he will start blue ticking your frantic messages once you mention that terrible P-word. So child, I hope it has all been worth it because 2020 is going to be a tough year for you.
You madam, stand up. The spirit in the fumes sees you heartbroken in 2020.
You will call people in the middle of the night crying. Relatives who are already tired of your sobs will keep praying for the strength of spirit to block you. You will go to prophets and n’angas. For a while their remedies will seem to work and give you hope. But each time you will return to square one.
Yes, madam. Your partner will not stop cheating because of three stones and a clutch of herbs secreted in the intestines of your purse.
The sooner you stop breaking your heart over his womanising which will never stop, the sooner you can find peace and start living for yourself, madam. But Bra Gee knows you will choose the path of heartbreak. So let us drink to your 2020 tears.
Honoured gentleman, and you excellent lady, please step forward. For the vision is the same for both of you in 2020. I see your health becoming a matter of public debate. The public will wonder if you really suffer from some fancy middle class ailment that you will lay claim to when the time comes.
For your time will come. You will leave your exalted office in ignominy. You will become a social media meme star. You will join the gallery of rogues for this new decade. Although the catch and release practice may ultimately save your bacon, remember that a sojourn as a temporary guest of the state is no picnic.
But of course you believe that it is only idiots that get caught. You are the clever one and you can get away with it. So you will continue to stick your fingers into pies that are not meant for you. Let us drink to our assurance that when your number comes up we will celebrate your downfall.
Sister and brother, come let me lay my hands on your heads to summon the good blessings that 2020 has in store for you. Your houses are in order. You know exactly where you are going and you have an action plan that will get you there.
You have even factored in possible failure and you are prepared to dust yourself up and try again, should the worst case scenario become reality.
You, you will cry with the bereaved and celebrate with the joyous ones. When bad things happen to you, you will sit down and lick your wounds then get up and continue the journey.
You will not spend energy trying to pin blame on the second wife of your grandfather’s first cousin. Here is to a fruitful year ahead for you.
There we are all set for the year. Let it roll.
Not for the unwashed masses
Remember our old friends at a beverage manufacturing conglomerate? When they tried to steal our tangible heritage in broad daylight a couple of years back, Bra Gee was one of the citizens who cried foul, loud and louder.
What would become of this nation if we allowed our future leaders to grow up without knowing the true taste of the national drink? We hectored them.
We heckled them. We trolled them. We lectured them. A few uncomplimentary things may have been said concerning their grandmothers. Until they had to apologise and bring back our drink.
Now they have released a new flavour. Which comes in the less sugar option only. And the sadza consumers are up in arms. They don’t like it. They who think the sun should revolve around them are demanding that it must be pulled off the shelves.
To be honest this is good for some of us. For the price of the cordial has fallen to ridiculous levels. So maybe we should let sleeping dogs lie and not bother educate the rough and ready among us.
But it is our duty and we cannot shirk it. There are liquids that you can partake of on their own just like tonic water and club sodas, if you are so inclined. You see where I am going with this don’t you? Yep, this cordial is best served as an accompaniment to something with a kick. Vodka and gin. Cane spirit for those who swim in those waters.
And it might even help unlock some taste in that boxed cheap body liquid waste that blasphemes the good name of whisky. But for rum’s sake, don’t expect it to taste good in a solution of plain water. Duh!
One for the road
Do you think some higher up will soon propose a refurbishment of the remand prison to make sure that the quarters are comfy enough for the esteemed guests who seem destined to visit? Maybe the women activists will soon take up the challenge.
For the conditions that seem acceptable for anonymous female suspects seem to suddenly become intolerable and inhuman when a someone is forced to endure them.